I've always wondered how that comes about. I think for many, it's a result of family, environment, teachers, friends, associates, and religion.
And how does that affect our behavior and perception of our life experiences?
I recall a personal experience that exemplifies this concept.
I chose to serve a 2-year mission for the church to which I belonged. As I prepared to leave, I was told by a church authority (via a “blessing”) that if I served well and faithful, I would be blessed and also, all would be well at home.
Assuming that was a conditional promise of how I would serve, I flew off to serve.
Approximately 14 months into my mission, I felt like I was serving well, according to the metrics that I had been taught to believe. I was in a leadership position and had reached out and affected many lives and families.
And then it happened! I received a call at Christmas time from my mom, letting me know that she and my father were getting a divorce. I literally had had no clue that they were even having problems.
And in came the guilt, shame and blame like a whirlwind at high velocity forcing its way into my very beingness and soul. I somehow had fooled myself into thinking I was serving well and faithfully, when in fact it was obvious, based on that promise from a church authority (which I was taught I should always know comes from God), that I was not faithful, nor serving well. I was devastated. I was not good enough. The guilt, the shame, the blame.
And I spent the last 8 months of my mission struggling with my parent’s divorce, my self-worth and my value. It was like I was in another parallel dimension going through the motions with no way to escape.
How many of us have had similar experiences, feeling the guilt, shame and blame over which we have absolutely no control? Ultimately, I was able to figure that out, but for many it still haunts their very soul.
How do we work through that to be free of the shackles?
I have discovered that we basically have 3 aspects to our personality and behavior. The first that that core of who we are. As we observe our children at an early age, and often see how different each of them are, and how, to some degree, we can already predict their personality. It’s in their DNA. It is the “core” or “innate” personality.
Then we begin to behave according to our environment and what we perceive is expected of us. That becomes our social personality. There are two sides to this personality. One side is how we consciously choose to act based on the environment surrounding us at any given moment in time. The other side is more subtle and possibly destructive. That is the side that contains all the “should, have to, need to ought to” messages that our subconscious mind delivers to us at any given moment or event. It is the culmination of all the imprints, beliefs, experiences that have embedded themselves into our unconscious mind, often at an early age.
Suddenly we find ourselves at the effect of our environment. At some level we have become victims to those people and events around us. And often rather than taking personal responsibility for those things, we find ourselves now blaming something or someone for our misfortune. And it is probably true that we were at the effect of some event. I don’t want to minimize that. But at some point in time, the healing process can only occur when we take ownership of the emotions that reside in us. We need to be willing to face those dragons, and admit they are there. It is also imperative that we discover (with some help) the sources of those emotions and be able to reframe those that are not serving us well. When we own them, they can no longer control us, and we are now in control. We can now act, rather than be acted upon by our sabotaging emotions and negative beliefs, and other people.
And then there is the conscious, or preferred personality. It is the expression of our core personality plus our social personality in action. It represents the behavior, values, motivators and passions that culminate in a fulfilling life experience, under our control. It is the level where we can be aware of our fears, but not allow them to ultimately affect us. As we develop a greater sense of “consciousness”, it is where we will find the greatest degree of fulfillment, having realized that those items that caused guilt, blame and shame have nothing of value in our lives and we can let them go.
